After another call today to schedule another test to poke and prod me, I find my fears creeping up and tears stinging my eyes. Of course the call is only moments before I jump in to a work conference where I need to be on and ready to go, so I push it down. I start cleaning and have this need to just clear out any clutter in our home. For those who’ve been to our home that’s amusing because we don’t collect much (other than running shoes) and everything is put away. I don’t like stuff in general, but right now I can’t even handle what we have…maybe I’m looking for a clean slate?
I don’t know what I’m afraid of at this point because we’ve ruled out a tumor…but we really haven’t pointed to anything else and I don’t yet feel any better from this round of experimental drugs. Drugs. That word alone feels foreign and not something I want in my vocabulary, so maybe there is the fear...I'm afraid of the dark just as I was as a kid. It's the unknown. I don’t want to deal with this forever, I simply want to feel better, I want to talk about other things and never feel held back by my body.
VLOG’s are usually not my thing, but so many of you have reached out with either comments of concern for me or wonder at how and why I would share so much that I felt it important for you to get the real me…no ugly cry, but definitely emotional and from my heart.
The downside is obviously some criticism and the idea that people who haven’t talked with you previously about the issue have an opinion. Because I have chosen to share this information, I take it all in with a nod, but don’t be surprised if I don’t respond to your recommendation that I would heal myself by no longer eating sugar. People like to send text messages now that say “how are things?” and I think what on Earth could I say in a text that would explain this.
All the wonderful comments of support and acknowledgement that so many others have been through things and go on makes every post worth it.
I don’t easily let people in, which sounds funny since I’m blabbing to the world that I have no estrogen. But telling you things and actually allowing you in to my emotions or receiving your advice is a whole different story. This is something I am working on and have been greatly opened up through this process and through the many of you that have reached out.
Don’t misunderstand my opening up and having emotions for needing sympathy or pity or even for my being overly down. I’m fully optimistic and generally going about my day as you can see in every Monday’s Workouts post. This is simply the truth of what happens when you are in limbo…fear, doubt, sleeplessness, anger, frustration, calm, acceptance, serenity…repeat.
I am grateful for learning how to be ok with any variety of feelings and know they do not make me less strong.