Publish…don’t publish…publish…don’t publish..where to draw the line on what to share and what not to share. After debating this for much of the morning, I am going to share this because it’s real and true and part of my journey to become a better person and live my best life.
For many of you who read, I’m this fictitious person out there in the ether who runs around like a nut job with a goofy grin and sweaty clothes. But as it turns out I’m a real person too…a real person with real feelings.
The last few months it became clear that I was getting down right depressed because everything seemed to come together for the perfect storm of crazy. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to talk to anyone on the phone, I cried at the drop of a hat and just felt broken inside.
A long standing rule of mine is that you can’t complain about things you aren’t willing to change…so for awhile I said nothing because I was so confused about what to do. Not talking as it turns out is not the solution and being confused isn’t always bad, it keeps you from making decisions you might regret.
I decided my birthday would be the catalyst to start making thoughtful decisions, making changes and darn it laughing more. I got myself psyched up for the plans I made, I giggled, I did my own little dance party and on Friday David even noticed that for the first time in ages the happiness reached my eyes. Then came Saturday…
12 people initially agreed to run with me an then go to breakfast….as Friday wore on I began to understand that while all of my Miami friends are active people this was the one weekend many of them wouldn’t be running, but they were still good for breakfast….
Saturday morning I woke up so sick that David and I really debated a trip to urgent care, things were bad. BUT it was my friggin’ birthday and I wasn’t going. Instead I wanted to do my run, because that would make me happy. So I headed out by 5:30AM to start my long run, making it to the meeting spot at 7 am where David stood alone. I sighed knowing no one else would show to run and decided we could walk to the marina. Surely folks would show for breakfast…
We came back and got a table for 7…we sat…text 1 not coming, text 2 not coming…we sat…I started to cry and it sank in that no one was going to show up. I know that my birthday is not the center of everyone’s world, but it truly crushed me. David was angry and I was hurt….and we left because I just couldn’t stomach eating there.
I called my mom in tears and told her I just felt as though I am an utter failure at making friends. She called everyone assholes, I started laughing and decided that I was the emotion I wanted to feel, so it was time to try moving on…I wasn’t angry, just hurt. I don’t think they are assholes, but what they did was hurtful.
We had planned to do a moonlight kayaking tour that night, but I really wanted to see some one..ANY ONE that day to make me feel better. So David’s good friend and his wife invited us to an art walk/dinner and I jumped on the chance. The poor folks had no idea it was my 30th and when they realized felt like we should have done something big and grand, but honestly it was just good conversation and made me feel less loser like.
I’m not sharing this to extend my pity party, but because I think sometimes we all feel like life has just gotten away from us or we feel alone and the truth is we aren’t alone…others know how you feel…and keeping it all inside doesn’t actually make it better.
So just like you can’t go from a 5K to a marathon over night, I can’t expect to feel 100% better tomorrow. BUT I can set my mind to it, continue to make changes, continue choosing to enjoy life and keep putting myself out there to find friends. Some very large major changes are going to happen and I’m now committed to them and to my own happiness because we only get one shot and I want to enjoy as much as possible.
Thanks to all of you for the consistent support in everything I endeavor and everything I share because you push me and inspire me and remind me that life has up’s and down’s but like running I can choose to push through.
Stay tuned to find out how I did my best to turn the weekend around and of course the Virtual Run Results.
I am grateful for wildflowers
I am grateful for yellow roses
I am grateful for birthday balloons
I am grateful for tapas
I am grateful for mosaics