Publish…don’t publish…publish…don’t publish..where to draw the line on what to share and what not to share. After debating this for much of the morning, I am going to share this because it’s real and true and part of my journey to become a better person and live my best life.
DEPRESSION
For many of you who read, I’m this fictitious person out there in the ether who runs around like a nut job with a goofy grin and sweaty clothes. But as it turns out I’m a real person too…a real person with real feelings.
The last few months it became clear that I was getting down right depressed because everything seemed to come together for the perfect storm of crazy. I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to talk to anyone on the phone, I cried at the drop of a hat and just felt broken inside.
A long standing rule of mine is that you can’t complain about things you aren’t willing to change…so for awhile I said nothing because I was so confused about what to do. Not talking as it turns out is not the solution and being confused isn’t always bad, it keeps you from making decisions you might regret.
I decided my birthday would be the catalyst to start making thoughtful decisions, making changes and darn it laughing more. I got myself psyched up for the plans I made, I giggled, I did my own little dance party and on Friday David even noticed that for the first time in ages the happiness reached my eyes. Then came Saturday…
THE UNBIRTHDAY
12 people initially agreed to run with me an then go to breakfast….as Friday wore on I began to understand that while all of my Miami friends are active people this was the one weekend many of them wouldn’t be running, but they were still good for breakfast….
Saturday morning I woke up so sick that David and I really debated a trip to urgent care, things were bad. BUT it was my friggin’ birthday and I wasn’t going. Instead I wanted to do my run, because that would make me happy. So I headed out by 5:30AM to start my long run, making it to the meeting spot at 7 am where David stood alone. I sighed knowing no one else would show to run and decided we could walk to the marina. Surely folks would show for breakfast…
We came back and got a table for 7…we sat…text 1 not coming, text 2 not coming…we sat…I started to cry and it sank in that no one was going to show up. I know that my birthday is not the center of everyone’s world, but it truly crushed me. David was angry and I was hurt….and we left because I just couldn’t stomach eating there.
AFTERNOON
I called my mom in tears and told her I just felt as though I am an utter failure at making friends. She called everyone assholes, I started laughing and decided that I was the emotion I wanted to feel, so it was time to try moving on…I wasn’t angry, just hurt. I don’t think they are assholes, but what they did was hurtful.
We had planned to do a moonlight kayaking tour that night, but I really wanted to see some one..ANY ONE that day to make me feel better. So David’s good friend and his wife invited us to an art walk/dinner and I jumped on the chance. The poor folks had no idea it was my 30th and when they realized felt like we should have done something big and grand, but honestly it was just good conversation and made me feel less loser like.
GOING FORWARD
I’m not sharing this to extend my pity party, but because I think sometimes we all feel like life has just gotten away from us or we feel alone and the truth is we aren’t alone…others know how you feel…and keeping it all inside doesn’t actually make it better.
So just like you can’t go from a 5K to a marathon over night, I can’t expect to feel 100% better tomorrow. BUT I can set my mind to it, continue to make changes, continue choosing to enjoy life and keep putting myself out there to find friends. Some very large major changes are going to happen and I’m now committed to them and to my own happiness because we only get one shot and I want to enjoy as much as possible.
Thanks to all of you for the consistent support in everything I endeavor and everything I share because you push me and inspire me and remind me that life has up’s and down’s but like running I can choose to push through.
Stay tuned to find out how I did my best to turn the weekend around and of course the Virtual Run Results.
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Gratitude Journal
Aug 15
I am grateful for wildflowers
I am grateful for yellow roses
I am grateful for birthday balloons
I am grateful for tapas
I am grateful for mosaics
56 comments:
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear about the sad start to your birthday weekend celebrations. :( It's hard to "make" yourself feel happy when you are so disappointed. I hope your weekend turned around. Good for you for choosing to make changes to enjoy your life. :)
Amanda, I'm sorry to read that this happened on your birthday! I've learned over the years not to focus on birthdays so much for this very reason. It seems like some people don't care enough yet feel *obligated* to attend birthday stuff sometimes. Maybe I'm just cynical.
As for the depression, I know it's tough, but hang in there. I've been faced with this stuff, and it's really tough to believe that people understand. And many don't (and many do). The biggest mistakes I've made in this mental health department is care way too freaking much about what other people think about me. It's not worth that kind of pain! I hear things get easier in your 30's on this front -- you learn to live for a higher purpose, for YOU.
P.S. I ran 13 mi this weekend, and the last 3 were for you: 10:06, 9:49, 9:41 (I'm no speed demon!).
That is a seriously crappy birthday! I'm so sorry! I hope things get better soon. I can't wait to hear how you're turning things around!
I've been there... on and off for the last year. It's not a fun ride, but the hardest part is putting yourself out there and asking for help. Good luck! and feel free to email if you just need a semi-nameless person to talk to ( 3monthsforward (at) gmail (dot) com
I'm so sorry you had a crappy birthday. It's always interesting to me that as we get older it's harder to make friends and it's harder to maintain those relationships. It's just hard. But being rejected feels the same as it did in grade school. Happy Birthday! You don't know me but I love reading your blog.
Dang, that stinks that no one showed for your breakfast. Depression is a tough thing. It comes and goes and sometimes seems like there is no end in sight. Hang in there - try to focus on the positive things - like the art walk and dinner. It will get better...
Thanks for sharing Amanda. Sorry to hear your birthday didnt work out like it was suppose to. I'm glad your moving forward. Positive and happy thoughts.
I'm sorry you've had a rough few months. Depression is extremely difficult, and you've been very brave to share. Please take care. I hope this year gets brighter for you.
Happy Birthday, a little late! So sorry no one showed up for breakfast on your birthday! (Reminds me of my 9th birthday when I'd handed out invitations at school, but no one came!!!) Forget to sign up for the virtual birthday run, as I was getting ready to go out of town. I did run on the 12th, but less than 3 miles. -Shirley
{{{HUGS}}} I think we all have times when our friends let us down. People who cancel at the last minute are a pet peeve of mine, even when it's not a special occasion. I hope the rest of the weekend rocked!
I've fought depression off and on, so if you ever need to chat, you know where to find me.
I think it is hard to keep friends as we get older. When life turns more towards the family that you have created with someone else, it is very hard to balance those friendships on top of everything else that needs to be done. So sorry your friends all choose to to be available when it seems you needed them most.
The answers are not always easy to find, I wish there was some magic bit of advise I could give you that would make things all seem better but there isn't. And I think you already understand that. Knowing that you already have accepted that fact makes me believe you are going to be ok...in time because that's what it takes. Praying that you can feel contentment again soon.
I have been reading your blog for several months and although I never comment, I really enjoy reading. I have noticed over the last month or so that your posts didn't seem as full of energy and happiness as they did when I first started reading. I am glad you shared your feelings though. I don't know if your intention was to help others or just express your feelings, but I assure you, for those of us reading, sometimes it is reassuring to see such REAL and open thoughts from a blogger.
My heart breaks for you because of the birthday plans. It is incredibly hurtful when friends don't live up to the expectation that the title "friend" deserves.
Best wishes to get through this tough time. You have lots of supporters out here who wish you the happiest (belated) birthday and send tons of happy vibes your way for a great next year!
ive had some crappy birthdays along the way too. the only thing that you can do is move forward and keep going. there will be more birthdays...more fun times.
and if i lived near you, i would 100% have gone running and to breakfast with u!
thnx for sharing your story.
and happy (belated) birthday!
aneta
www.runningbucket.com
This stinks...
Big hugs from the virtual world...
I'm so sorry. It sucks when people don't come through - especially on birthdays. You are a very real person, I only wish we could give real hugs and show up for a real run and birthday celebration.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}}
Thank you for writing this. I know it must have been incredibly hard to do. It's easy to share and blog about the good, but not so much the hard. You are an inspiration to so many of us here. Sharing the tough makes it even moreso.
That is a really crappy birthday. It does sound like you're starting to get through it. It takes time, but you will get there.
This kind of thing is so tough and we have all been there. Nothing is as disspointing as getting let down by friends. Yet, it does happen.
My favorite part is your mom calling them assholes! Made me laugh.
Hang in there. And happy 30th to you! I'd join you for breakfast anyday and I wouldn't back out.
I'm sorry your birthday didn't go as planned (and I'm not sure if these friendships are worth you getting upset about). It's definitely harder to make meaningful relationships as we get older. But I think you are awesome and deserve much better than that.
I'm sorry about the Birthday disappointment. :( Too bad all of your blog friends weren't nearby because you KNOW we wouldn't have bailed! Glad you were able to enjoy yourself in the end, but it stings when people ditch.
What a huge bummer for things to fall apart on the day of! I'm sorry girl, just know that if all of us could have been there we surely would have been!!!
I find that relocating and having to start over on the the friendship front is harder than one might think to do. Especially after high school and college where our lives are centered around those day to day activities that bind us to our friends at the time. As adults we all have different lives that demand different things from us and it's not as easy to get away for a drink, a run, etc...
Although I have met some wonderful new friends here in Michigan there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss my Florida girls and wish I could call one of them up on a whim and go grab coffee. My new friends have busier lives with families and it makes it 100% harder to get together with them.
Birthday or not, I always hate it when people cancel the day of. It's such a crappy thing to do. Sending hugs your way and hoping things look brighter soon!
Happy 30th - I am sorry people were pricks and didn't see what a great opportunity they could have partaken in, but now you know their true colors and can move on knowing you are a better person...can't wait to see the turnaround :)
I'm sorry to hear about your b'day disappointment. :-(
If you are really struggling with your emotions/depression, I suggest taking a serious look into finding a counselor (if you haven't already). It can make a huge positive difference.
*hugs*
I am so sorry about your birthday run/breakfast. I would have been totally bumbed as well. What your "friends" did, or didn't do, is low. How frustrating. I am trying to find ways to make and meet new friends now that I have moved, but am struggling a bit. The fiance and i spend a lot of time with his friends (couples), and our family. I am hoping that once I start working again I will be able to "network" a bit more...
Happy Belated 30th girl!
Oh Amanda I wish I could give you a huge hug....and then punch out your friends down there in Miami! I'm so sorry that you are going through this hard time. You are an amazing person and from reading your blog for many years I have seen you conquer so many challenges....I know you will conquer this one too!
thank you for being so REAL!!!! I just needed some real!
Find DBT therapy if you can it's the best and i think given what i've read about you-you would love it! its not traditional therapy, it's kinda stuff you do alread...like living in the moment....
it's funny how people can think that you have it all, heck, you posted your weight the other day and i was thinking wow, she has been working really hard, staying injury free, etc, etc. everyone has something (or lots of things) that are "demons" and hold them back. i hope that you can get over this hurdle in life and stick with what makes you happy. when we are let down (on purpose or by mistake) it hurts and we can tumble into this tunnel and start to doubt ourselves with everything we do.
i am going back to work after being a stay at hom mom for the past 8 years, not much will change since it's only part time but there are still many unknowns.
as always, we'll be here reading and cheering you on.
Happy 30th! Thank you for getting this out there and being so real about it. I've been having a very tough time myself and it's just hard to talk about. Even though we've never met in person, I really enjoy reading your blog and wish that you would have had a better birthday. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward - even as hard as it is sometimes.
I'm sorry to hear about your birthday breakfast. Are most of your friends runners? Meeting up at 7 AM for a breakfast is pretty early. All I can think of is that maybe your friends partied too hard the night before and couldn't make it. Maybe having a dinner party for dinner might be better next time? I'm not trying to make excuses for your friends, but that's all I can think of.
About depression, I've had some tougher times recently dealing with my injury, it's just been hard not being able to do what I normally am able to do. Over time I bet you will be fine, just keep to doing things you like, stay active and you'll be okay.
So sorry to hear about the bad start to your weekend. Hopefully it got better! I've battled with a little depression myself this year. I feel like I beat it with the help and support of my amazing family. Friends helped along the way, but my hubby and family are truly my rock. I'm sure they're yours as well. :)
Happy Belated Birthday!!
I am so sorry for the way things turned out, but I'm glad you shared it here. I don't know what it is these days; it just seems like most people don't know how to be a friend (as in KEEP A COMMITMENT and BE THERE for their friends). It's tough, especially on a significant birthday like that; sending some birthday ((( hugs ))) your way, even if they are the virtual kind. Oh, and I ran 9 miles this weekend for you . . . :D
I'm with your mom on this: assholes. All of them!
Ok I've cooled down a touch.
I'm sorry your special day wasn't what you wanted. It takes effort to stay in touch and too often friendships fall by the wayside. But come on: IT's YOUR 30th BIRTHDAY!!
I'll bet all of your friends assumed someone else would be there. Still not fair though. You deserve much better. Hugs girl.
big hugs! I think you are really brave and awesome for posting this. And for me, it is one of the reasons I SO love the running blogging community... some of my most supportive friends are people I have never met in real life but genuinely seem to care about me and check in almost daily. In "real life" I only have two good friends and they are both super busy... it definitely gets lonely.
Your attitude is great. Big hugs!! And Happy Birthday (belated). I bet your 30's are going to ROCK! Hugs! :)
I will kick them in the FACE! lol...jk
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY YOU ARE LOVED!!!!
Your honesty is heartfelt and I can relate in many areas. Bad 30th birthday(I was traveling, ate lunch and dinner by myself), struggle with depression and feel like I have no friends. You may find this funny but I look up to you (wish I was more like you), admire your gratitude journal each post (wish I was more like you) and am envious of all your friends (wish I was more like you).
Keep up your awesomeness and happy belated birthday.
What a bummer of a birthday! Sending you big virtual hugs! I am also an admirer of your gratitude journal, don't let all that badness keep you down. You are a strong awesome inspirational woman!
I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and that your birthday breakfast didn't work out. I cannot believe your friends did that. Actually, I can, because I have one "friend" who cancels everything.
Take your time getting back to you. I think it's common (for me anyway) to get in these slumps and I have to take my time to get back to myself!
hang in there! hope things start looking up soon!
I just stumbled across your blog from another blog. As a new blogger, I always debate what to share. Your experience is so personal, but as you see from the comments, it seems to be something that has happened to many of us in one form or another. I have a few close friends who I trust with important things, but many more "friendly aquaintances" whose company I enjoy, but I wouldn't count on them. They aren't bad people, we just don't have that same connection, I guess. Sometimes it takes a while to sort out who's who. I know "bloggers" are sort of out there in space...but you seem to have a group of people who really care about you.
Can I just say that it's really hard to find friends. After uni and having children I struggled for years to find friends and it took a lot of hit and miss to finally gather a circle of women who I'm happy to call friends. People are all so busy with their own lives. But if you keep putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable to a bit of hurt, you'll eventually find someone or ones who will never let you down.
I am so sorry about your birthday and how it turned out. Depression sucks but I have confidence in you mainly because you opened up today and chose to post something so personal.
I recently had a huge battle with depression. I felt it coming on and just like you, I had those same tears and would reach out to family. Unfortunately, they were across the ocean and didn't fully understand the extent of my depression since we were also dealing with the news of my dad being diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia (I think everyone thought I was sad over that and didn't realize that was the tipping straw).
Fortunately, I reached out to talk to someone and set an appointment to just go chat to a counselor and let it all out. Ironically, the appointment that I had to make two weeks in advance fell on the morning I got the phone call my dad had fallen into a coma (to make a long story somewhat shorter). I went and talked (okay mainly cried) and once I started admitting to what I was going through, I started to heal.
I still have tough days but like you, I am finding the road to recovery. Hang in strong! You are amazing and I will dedicate my run tomorrow to you!
Oh Amanda, I feel so bad! I was out of town celebrating my Mom's b-day, or I would have had breakfast with you. I'm there with you girl, I am having such a hard time adjusting to a new job, new life, and all my friends being scattered all over the country. There are many a day when I wonder if I made the right decision to come here. But I think you did the right thing by talking about your feelings, I wish I had an outlet such as this where I could get things off my chest that keep me up at night. This little post here is the extent of me talking about MY feelings.
You are much stronger than you realize, and I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass. Hang in there - and happy belated birthday!! Give me a shout if you want to get together for coffee or something.
First of all, I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, and especially felt that way on your birthday. BUT, I must say I know 100% what you're feeling because I've been feeling the same lately, I've just been too scared to post anything about it (or really talk to anyone about it).
Moving somewhere new and trying to make new friends is HARD. And feeling like you have no friends is a crappy feeling. I've shed many tears over the past few months because of this - and even broke down crying in the middle of a bar back in DSM one weekend when I was visiting. And, I too was ditched on my birthday. The one good friend I have in KC ended up throwing a fit about something and leaving me at a bar alone. And I cried.
So anyway, I know how you feel and THANK YOU for sharing. Like you said, it doesn't help to keep it in, and it does help to know others go through this too. Just remember, we are fabulous. Other people will soon realize that and be banging down our doors to be friends! ;)
I'm so sorry Amanda. I can totally relate to this blog. I find true friends are rare and VERY hard to find. (if I'm being totally honest, I find many of them very disappointing - sad but true)
With that being said, I did run 3 miles today in honor of YOUR day. I was tired, it was HARD, but I did it because I told you I would. I ran 23:38 for the 3 miles (7:52 avg pace - slower than the submitted predicted 7:45 avg. - but that is what I had today. :)
Happy days ahead! Keep running my friend!
i'm so sorry that your friends are selfish a-holes! i've been following you for awhile and i love how positive you are - your gratitude journal inspires me to always think of what i'm grateful for. happy belated bday and i'll be doing my 29k run on saturday for you!!
I'm sorry about your plans not working out. Have you talked to people since then? What did they say?
I know it's so hard moving to a new area and trying to find people that you really click with. I spent a year in Michigan and was completely miserable and depressed the whole time because I couldn't find a single female I could connect with. All I wanted was 1 friend! Too much to ask for? Ultimately, I ended up moving. OUtta there. Gave up. And, I wanted to go to grad school anyway.
Sometimes, it just takes longer to find those connections I guess? You really do get out a lot and seem to meet lots of people. Maybe FL is just a culturally, difficult place to make new friends? People I know here in Seattle who come from out of state say that we're hard nuts to crack here, difficult to break in to more deeper friendships.
I wish I could help make it better. Just be sure to keep talking about it, keep your eyes open, and eventually, things will click.
Hang in there!
first, i am sooo sorry about the mess up on the birthday. that is soo hard. i would have gone with you in a second lady and i am NOT just saying that. booo. i hate when these things happens it makes you feel unloved. But you ARE loved. Also, you have my utmost respect on putting yourself out there. it can be so hard. i am glad you are looking to turn yourself around out of this and remember this is HARD. so if you need it, don't be afraid to ask for help. you have a lot of people who want to help you!
HUGS****** Don't forget there are ALWAYS people in your life that care and love about you. And those people are the ones that truly matter.
this made me so sad. i'm sorry it happened, some people can be such flakes some times. you should move to philly...abby and i will take good care of you!
Yes, we'll take care of you!! Or at least take you out so you can celebrate 30 properly a few months late :)
I know this is only a tiny part of what's been going on, but I turned 30 this summer as did a bunch of my friends, and for some reason we all ended up having really crappy birthdays. Weird, right?
Sorry to read about that breakfast when no one came. I would have been very hurt. Our birthdays are one day apart. Mine was Friday. I did go to breakfast with my son and it was excellent - both the food and spending time with him.
wow. I would go with the word shitty on this one. I am so sorry this happened. on such a big day too. as i have gotten older i have realized that some ppl don’t commit to things like I would-and it is what it is unfortunately. i’m impressed/proud of you that you are doing this on your own and working through your issues. thanks for sharing. i always think its nice to see bloggers “true” colors and know what is really going on.
I'm so sorry about your birthday. Something similar happened on my 30th birthday, my hubby arranged a party at a restaurant that only 2 of the 7 guests showed up for because of drama between them the night before.
Happy Belated Birthday! Sorry it wasn't what you expected or wanted. When disappointing things pile up it is hard to keep a cheerful face, sometimes you just need to express the sadness so you can move past it.
Hope tomorrow and everyday after is better for you!
Happy Belated B-day! I would have total been there if it had been in Richmond VA :)
I would have sat there and cried too. {{hugs}} to you!! And when you come up for Philly, you let me know. We'll meet up and do something - Italian food, gelato, shop, wander the expo, something. There's all sorts of cool things to do in Philly and since we'll be running, it'll be fun for me to share cool Philly things with a newbie to the city. :-)
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